What (and How) to Eat Naked

But really, if I’m going to eat naked, I’d much prefer not to do so in public with strangers. I’d rather do it in my own home, in the company of a loved one (or two loved ones, if you really insist).

Naked breakfast in bed strikes me as a very troublesome proposition. It sounds like a great idea, and it’s certainly a nice thing to do for your partner or have them do for you. But one way or another, you always end up with a few spillages, and crumbs and mess on your sheets.

It’s also difficult to get the menu right. Serve somebody a bowl of cereal, and it looks like you haven’t tried. And if you attempt something more elaborate, like eggs Benedict, you have to contend with runny poached eggs. One not-so-smooth move, and you risk minor burns and majorly gross sheet infractions. The moment of morning-after bliss is spoiled. Admittedly, that may apply whether you’re clothed or not, but you’re going to feel much worse if your hollandaise curdles and you have absolutely nothing to hide your shame.

So if you’re going to eat naked, do so out of bed, and stick to the familiar foods of love: oysters, chocolate, honey, whipped cream, and caviar. They may be aphrodisiacs or they may simply be sensual in their appearance or texture, but the amorous have been using them to set the mood for quite some time. And some spillage here may be part of the fun. Having someone lick chocolate sauce from your body is considerably more enjoyable for both parties than licking it from a wool sweater.

You could also argue that if you’re naked with the right person, it doesn’t really matter what you eat. As the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam tells us, “A Flask of Wine, a Book of Verse—and Thou Beside me…is Paradise enow,” though of course you have to find the right “thou.” Perhaps fruit would be enough—maybe an apple, like Adam and Eve. What could possibly go wrong with that?

Geoff Nicholson is a writer in Los Angeles. His books include the novel The Food Chain and the nonfiction Lost Art of Walking. Nicholson’s previous articles for Gourmet Live include “A Menu of American Eating” and “Funny Food.”