We have no doubt that you've heard of Trump Steaks, the Donald Trump-branded frozen beef that's being sold at The Sharper Image (yes, that Sharper Image). We have no doubt that you think the concept is as stupid as we do (which is to say, seriously stupid). But, when an idea is this inane, doesn't it deserve a second look? Some of our colleagues are happy to pass judgment without giving them a try, but we're happy to report that we braved these beefy waters. First, let's get to the business of money (this is Donald Trump we're talking about, after all). The Sharper Image seems to be under the impression that if they can charge America $500 for an ionic breeze air purifier, they can charge a similar amount for frozen steak. After all, according to The Donald (and the packaging), this is THE WORLD'S GREATEST STEAK. We would certainly be willing to pay a premium for the world's greatest steak. Is $200 really too much to pay for two filets, two rib eyes, and a dozen burgers when they'll be the best two filets, two rib eyes, and dozen burgers you've ever eaten? Wouldn't you be willing to drop a grand on 16 of the greatest steaks in the world (plus two dozen burgers)? Because these prices wouldn't be so completely outrageous if this really was the world's greatest steak. After all, real Kobe beef can run over a thousand dollars a pound. But the truth is that these steaks are wholly mediocre.
The Donald is happy to point out that these are USDA Prime beef, and that less than 1% of all beef is Prime. He is so confident in the quality of his steaks that he doesn't even mention the multitude of other (usually important) factors—how they're aged, what the cows were fed, how long they're frozen before they get to you—that would normally affect the taste of the steaks. They're USDA PRIME, you idiot. That means that even the government knows these are, to reiterate, THE WORLD'S GREATEST STEAKS. One taste, though, and you'll probably be tempted to disagree. With a dry, grainy texture and a complete lack of any of the sorts of wonderful herby, tangy notes that the best steaks have, these are exactly what you'd expect: reminiscent of a steak you might get at a country club—edible, but not particularly good. This isn't too surprising, given that these steaks are simply licensed from SYSCO, the mighty industrial-strength purveyor that makes a mint selling things such as ketchup, chocolate syrup, and steaks to, like, every country club in the world. Even the commemorative box in which they come—it's black and gold and signed by Mr. Trump!—can't mask the fact that these are the same steaks you can get pretty much anywhere. Though, to The Donald's credit, his PR agents can actually get the steaks to us. This is evidently harder than it sounds because when we were contacted by fellow celeb-cum-steak-mogul Greg Norman's PR team regarding his line of steaks, we were assured that samples could be sent. Weeks later, we're still waiting for the Greg Norman steaks. Perhaps The Shark knows as well as we do that we're all just living in The Donald's world, so we might as well eat his meat, too.