Exclusive: Mrs. Claus Speaks Out!

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GL: Rum raisin, I assume?

MC: Why you cheeky… yes, rum raisin.

[At this point in the tape, a loud but indistinct baritone bellowing is heard in the background.]

MC: Oh, God, there he goes again.

GL: I thought that was a dying reindeer screaming or something.

MC: No, it’s him. He can’t find his candy canes. He’s been into the eggnog again. [Screaming loudly:] They’re in the green-and-red cabinet! Not the red-and-green one.

GL: So he puts candy canes on the tree this early in the year?

MC: On the tree? I don’t follow.

GL: You know, decorating the tree? Popcorn string, candy canes, blinking lights, Snoopy globes…

MC: Oh, that. You people really do that? I always thought Kris was pulling my leg.

GL: So then what does he use the candy canes for?

MC: Oh, they’re for when one of the reindeer gets into the cheese. Cheese is very binding, you know. [An unearthly shriek is heard in the background.]

MC: Now that’s a reindeer screaming.

GL: Um…

MC: What? What did you think candy canes were for?

GL: Ahem. Is there a favorite holiday recipe of yours you’d like to share with our readers, maybe?

MC: Yes. It’s been in my family for generations. It’s called Mrs. Santa’s Little Helper.

Step 1: Take large glass.

Step 2: Fill glass halfway with ice.

Step 3: Fill to rim with Scotch.

Step 4: Drink till you can read the name on the bottom of the glass.

Step 5: Repeat.

GL: Let’s move onto what you guys have for Christmas dinner. Santa’s certainly going to have a huge appetite considering all the heavy work he’s got to do. Do you have ham? Do you have goose or turkey?

MC: Isn’t that kind of like asking a CPA whether he files a 1040EZ for himself on April 14? We’re pros here. Ham and roast turkey went out years ago. Now Kris goes on a strict high-protein, high-energy diet from Black Friday on. In the ’80s, we worked with the University of Michigan for three years to develop a special liquid formula that maximizes his gift-allocation output for what we call the “Red Zone” time period.

GL: What’s this special formula taste like?

MC: It comes in three flavors: Candied-Yam Buzz, Wintermint-Cocoa Splash, and Arctic Blast.

GL: But what about the milk and cookies kids leave out for Santa by the fireplace?

MC: What milk and cookies? What are you talking about? Is he cheating on the U of M diet?! We spent $200 million on that thing! If he’s sneaking milk and cookies on the side, I swear, I’ll—

GL: No, no, I misread my notes here. No milk and cookies. It said, um, muck the…uh…puppies?

MC: Oh, OK.

GL: So then, do you have a traditional meal after the work madness, on December 26?

MC: Fruitcakes. Always fruitcakes. Goddamn, I hate fruitcakes.

GL:…hates fruitcakes…

MC: You sure you didn’t bring any liquor?

GL: Y’know, it’s a long ride back, and I’ve got to get this back by deadline, so…

MC: Kris always says booze makes me ornery, but I say not having booze makes me even more ornery…

GL: Y’know, maybe I got my holidays mixed up. Doesn’t the Easter Bunny live at the North Pole, too, or something? I should probably trot out there and do that interview right away. No, no need to get up. Been great, uh, chatting with you. I’ll find my own way out. Bye!

Brooklyn-based Michael Y. Park has written for The New York Times, the New York Post, and the Toronto Globe and Mail, and he is a regular contributor to Epicurious. Park has feasted at a picnic with the king and queen of Malaysia, and dined on roadside kebabs while disguised as a Hazara tribesman in Afghanistan. For more of Park’s funny side, read his Gourmet Live article about Man-Camping.

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