Hot Date

SCENE THREE

HER: Tell me, why on earth do you have a mortar and pestle but, like, one frying pan and a colander?
ME: I actually have two mortar and pestles.
HER: (Laughs.) Why?
ME: Rosemary, olive oil and garlic—I put it on just about everything.
HER: And the other one?
ME: It’s more classic.
HER: Bigger?
ME: Not really, just standard issue. I got it when I was between marriages.
HER: Between marriages?
ME: Yeah, the interregnum.
HER: The interregnum?
ME: Yeah, the interregnum. It means between Kings. But I was between Queens—between wife number one and wife number two. (Long pause).
HER: You know, this grenadine—it’s fantastic.

ACT THREE: SCENE ONE

MORE TEQUILA. POBLANO CHILIS HAVE COME OFF THE GRILL AND ARE NOW BEING SWEATED IN A PLASTIC BAG. I AM RIPPING CILANTRO INTO SMALL PIECES TO ADD TO THE GUACAMOLE.

HER: OK Mr. Writer Guy. Ask me some more questions.
ME: (Lamely.) So why did you choose this food?
HER: You asked me what my favorite Mexican meal would be. And it’s street food. At first I was going to do something more complex but I thought we don’t want to work that hard tonight. Mole would have taken three hours. Chili relleños would have been a little too specific. You really have to love chilies. Hopefully I’ll make you a lover tonight after this. (Pause.)
HER: I mean, smell my hand. It smells subtle. This is what happens when you roast habañero peppers when making salsa—you are mellowing and enriching the flavor. Oh my god! I forgot an onion.
ME: I might have one. (Sound of refrigerator door opening.) I HOLD AN ONION TRIUMPANTLY ALOFT.
HER: All right baby! You’ve been coming through. First the tequila, then the mortar and pestle and now the onion! You are always coming through—not like most men.
ME: (Smug smile.)
HER: I love the fact that you don’t want to relive your youth. That’s way sexier to a girl, at least to this girl (pause). Do you care if you are sexy in my opinion?
ME: I might have an interest.

SCENE TWO

SHE LUNGES. A PASSIONATE KISS.

SCENE THREE

A FEW HOURS LATER.

HER: It was all about the salsa. My grandmother knew.
ME: I think it was all about the tequila.

CURTAIN

POSTSCRIPT

In the end this worked to be an inexpensive but highly satisfactory date. Total outlay: $60 for tequila and 50 cents for one onion.

But let’s be clear: This is a high-risk form of dating. A meal at a restaurant is far less complicated—it’s a neutral public space with mutually understood rituals and rules.

Cooking together is an entirely different matter. It’s laced with all kinds of undercurrents—not the least being that you are alone together in a domestic and private space. And with a bedroom nearby.

But if the stakes are high, so are the rewards. If you are a great cook (i.e. one of those guys who has mastered cooking like your buddies have mastered rock climbing) you get to show off. If you are a bumbling and beginning cook, you get points for a willingness to reveal your vulnerability.

Women’s magazines run a constant stream of articles about what women want from men. But what do men want from women? Sex obviously. But we’re not total Neanderthals. Cooking together gives us an opportunity to judge you as well: Are you supportive without being crushingly critical (“That’s a novel idea—dropping an entire onion into the guacamole—but it might be a good idea to peel it first.”) Are you overly controlling or demanding (“Let me chop that onion—just get me some more ice for my drink.”) Do you have a sense of humor? Are you willing to improvise? Are you patient?

Cooking together cuts straight to the chase: Are the two of you able to successfully collaborate to make a meal? And what does that experience feel like? Is it full of stress and anxiety, or is it deadly serious, or is it full of high jinx and fun? The proof, as the British like to say, is in the pudding.

THE MEAL

Tequila

It’s important to use a sipping tequila, best being a smoky amber colored aged tequila. Don Julio Anjeo was used in this instance.

Chaser of Sangrita

Blood orange juice (subbing for Seville OJ)
Cayenne pepper (subbing for Chile Piquin)
Grenadine to taste
Juice of 2 limes
Salt

Classic Perfect Mexican Guacamole

6 ripe avocados
1 large ripe vine tomato
1/2 red onion
2 limes
1 large handful of cilantro
1 jalapeño pepper
Artisan salt—no chemicals!

Mash avocados slightly in a large bowl. Dice tomato medium fine, dice onion finely, chop cilantro, dice jalapeño finely. Add all ingredients to avocado and combine without stirring too much-you want it to be chunky. Use a lemon squeezer to fully squeeze juice from the limes into the mix.

Place a bunch of cilantro on top with a jalapeño to finish.

Habañero Salsa

2 medium Habañero peppers
Two large ripe vine tomatoes
One small red onion
One head garlic
Handful cilantro

Roast the peppers and tomatoes on a comal or grill. Once the skins are slightly burnt peel and place tomatoes and peppers in a molcajete (mortar and pestle made of rough stone) to mash into a purée. Add finely chopped cilantro. Add juice of one lime.