Joan Rivers, 77, The indomitable actress, comedienne and hostess with the most-ess had just returned from London where her documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece Of Work, premiered when she agreed to sit down with Gourmet Live and discuss her favorite topic: food. Just don’t ask her to cook.
Gourmet Live: Do you cook?
Joan Rivers: I don’t cook. My big joke is that the B on the oven stands for “burn.” I can’t cook, and it makes me terribly sad. I would love to be all things to everybody, but I can’t. My big threat to Melissa (her daughter) as a child was, if she was really bad I’d say, “You’re going to bed with dinner!” She’d cry and cry and cry. I have a chef now.
GL: So when did you hire your chef?
Joan Rivers: I was doing the Carson show as a guest and I came home afterwards and cooked a meal for my husband and some friends. After dinner we took a walk and all my guests stopped at a deli and got sandwiches. And my husband said to me, “You know, you can’t cook. You can write a joke. So hire someone that can cook and you write the jokes.”
GL: What was that (last) meal you cooked?
Joan Rivers: Lobster Thermidor. I did a really terrific job. I love good food. I love pretty food. It has to be attractive. I don’t care what kind of meat it is but it should have a beautiful orange or yellow vegetable next to it. Or greens. The plate should be gorgeous and the food should have shapes!
GL: So will you eat anything as long as it’s pretty?
Joan Rivers: I’ll eat anything as long as it’s in the shape of a flower.
GL: If someone sent you bull testicles you’d say yes?
JR: I’d say look how nice. It looks like a flower!
GL: What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?
JR: I like comfort cooking so probably something like a delicious shepherd’s pie or steak. Take me to a great men’s steak house, I’ll love it.
GL: Especially for the men.
JR: Exactly! And when you look down at a steak and baked potato with sour cream. Oh! Heaven!
GL: But you’re so small. How do you eat like that?
JR: I don’t eat after 3 pm. I’m very hungry in the morning and at noon time but by 3 o clock I don’t care if I don’t eat again. As long as I can have a glass of wine at night, I’m good.
GL: What will you do for Thanksgiving if you don’t eat after 3?
JR: I host Thanksgiving every year at my house. We will have a load of sweets! I love sweets! I would like to be at a table where they serve dessert first. That, to me, is heaven. Three courses of dessert would be great.
GL: Who is the best cook you know?
JR: A friend of mine named Joe Cicio who was a vice president of Macy’s for years. I think gay men are the best cooks. He makes the most amazing food. He’ll come to your house, you’ll tell him you have nothing to eat; he’ll go in your kitchen and come out with something amazing. He’ll whip up a stew or a salad. I don’t understand it.
GL: Does your chef get jealous when there’s someone else in the kitchen?
Joan Rivers: Yes. He’s very competitive. My cook Kevin — he and his wife Debbie — I was the first job they took as a couple. They owned a restaurant before in Pennsylvania, so they’re really chefs.
GL: How did you meet them?
JR: They just got tired of dishwashing. It would be a Saturday night and two thirds of the staff wouldn’t show up and they’d just had enough. They said, “Let’s just go into service.” Their thrill is when I say I’m going to have a dinner party and you decide what the menu will be. People have great meals at my house! Debbie always makes amazing desserts. I mean, we’re all children. Desserts should be something very special.
GL: Have you ever run into someone who doesn’t eat dessert at your house?
JR: Even if they don’t eat it, the dessert should be special.
GL: How do you feel about vegans?
JR: I don’t understand them and don’t care! You know what they should do? Bring their own food with them! I think it’s outrageous to expect a hostess to cater to your special needs. If you’re a vegan, bring your own food and we’ll put it on a plate for you but don’t make the other 19 people at the table sit there and suffer.
GL: What is your perfect dinner party?
JR: Never more than twelve people. But a perfect number is six so you can all have one conversation. The guests would always be people in the arts. And always my sister (a staunch conservative) because she’ll mix it up. She’ll say anything to get a conversation going. It’s really important if your guests are all Democrats to get one really good fascist in there. It makes for a great party. She’ll sit next to a gay man and say, “I hate queers,” and her three best friends are gay, you know what I mean. She does it to get the attention and get stuff happening. And it sure works! Everybody goes away with something to talk about.
GL: What’s the worst meal you ever had?
JR: Oh god, its all about color. The worst was an all-white meal. It was cod, and mashed potatoes and cauliflower on a white plate! It was served to me by a friend as a joke. It was July Fourth and we all did a red white and blue theme. I got the white meal.
GL: Well, it was probably better than the blue meal.
JR: That was all dyed and, well, I didn’t trust the blue meal. It’s just not natural.
GL: If you could cook, what would be the dream dish you would make?
JR: Oh god, it would be Beef Wellington. No one does it anymore. Beef surrounded by pate, surrounded by a crust. Very English, very old fashioned — I call it an “Ike and Mamie (Eisenhower)” meal. Before people realized maybe you shouldn’t be eating French fried onion rings and all that stuff ... But it was so delicious!
GL: Is there one thing you just refuse to eat?
JR: No. I am the hostess’ delight. I will say, “I like seconds of the haggis! Gimme some more kimchi! Blood sausage? Delicious!” I look forward to airplane meals. I really will eat anything.
GL: Is there an airline meal that’s your favorite?
JR: Oh British Airlines, delicious! I just came back form London yesterday on British Airways and we had a great steak and high tea with clotted cream and scones. I just love it. And BA gives you real silverware. It’s like, “if you want to knife us, knife us, but do it as a gentleman.”
GL: Is there a cooking show you love?
JR: I don’t watch them except for Martha Stewart. She always gives me easy recipes like “One Stop Pasta.”
GL: Martha’s easy?
JR: Well, whatever it is I know I can’t do it so it just frustrates me. So I’d rather watch Martha (than anyone else).
Paula Froelich is a writer based in New York.